In my experience, the most frustrating aspect of caring for a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder has been waiting for her to choose to heal, if she is capable of doing so.

The consequences that caregivers and family members experience during the process of waiting are unfathomable every step of the way.

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder can't be forced to heal.

There's no magic formula that caregivers can follow to make them do so.

Healing is a choice that only the child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder can make.

Until the choice is made, caregivers and family members suffer greatly.

The Most Frustrating Aspect of Reactive Attachment Disorder

Last week we received a notice from our insurance company that they are only willing to cover the next 30 days of Sunshine's residential treatment, instead of the requested 60 days.

I instantly panicked.

Sunshine has been in her fifth residential placement for fourteen months and shown absolutely no improvement.

She continues to be unsafe and unable to live with family.

At the same time Sunshine is comfortable with who she is and how she responds to the world around her.

There are no signs of her wanting to change her behaviors any time soon.

This puts our family in quite the predicament.

Caregivers of children in residential can be charged with abandonment if they don't pick up their kids when insurance companies refuse further treatment, even when it's too dangerous for the family to have the child in the home.

Bringing a dangerous child home from treatment to a family because insurance refuses further treatment can result in caregivers being charged with endangering the welfare of their other children.

It's a no win situation.

This predicament occurred in years past while Sunshine was receiving treatment. You can read more about it in the post below.

The System Failed Us Horribly

We pray that Sunshine's residential treatment continues until she is safe to live with family again.

If it doesn't, the safety of our family is in jeopardy.

Everyone on her residential team believes that she is capable of changing her behaviors.

We believe she is capable of safe and healthy relationships with others.

Unfortunately, she does not want to do the work that's necessary to have that at this time.

Every child and teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder is different.

Princess has made great strides in healing, but has currently been "stuck," unwilling to progress in specific areas of her own journey for quite a long time.

Please note, being "stuck" does not negate all of her hard work and progress.

She has come so very far!

Unfortunately, her unwillingness to progress in her own healing has resulted in siblings and caregivers being on the receiving end of significant highs and lows in moods, which can include verbal aggressions towards herself and family members, as well as destruction of property.

We, as her caregivers, have tried to do everything we possibly can to help her move forward.

Despite our best efforts she has verbally expressed that she does not want to change.

She is perfectly fine the way she is.

And so, caregivers and siblings continue to be on the receiving end of unhealthy behaviors on a regular basis.

Why Doesn't a Child or Teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder Want to Heal?

To heal from Reactive Attachment Disorder means to attach and to trust.

Attachment is scary.

Trust is unconceivable.

Remaining unattached is comfortable.

It feels natural.

Even when a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder despises their own behaviors and starts to feel remorse, this doesn't mean that it feels worth it to attempt attachment.

When a child or teen has Reactive Attachment Disorder, it means the brain has changed to survive trauma.

Healing means the brain needs to change again through a process called neuroplasticity.

This is incredibly hard work that takes so much effort on behalf of the child or teen.

In many cases healing feels too hard. It's easier to give up.

The Reactive Attachment Disordered brain settles for what's comfortable, accepting the consequences that come with that.

There are cases in which some believe that the brain isn't capable of neuroplasticity and therefore healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder isn't possible.

In Princess' case, she still feels she needs to respond to situations in extreme ways, in order to protect herself from threats that don't exist anymore.

Parts of her feel that her extreme emotional responses to situations are an exception to the rule without consequence.

Why Won't a Child or Teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder Accept Help During the Healing Process?

It's one thing not to want to heal because it's too scary or too hard, but even when a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder has a desire to heal, in many cases she doesn't want help with that process.

Accepting help from others means she needs to trust others, which isn't natural or easy.

She wants to do things the way she wants to do them.

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder often bucks at help, choosing to do the exact opposite of what a caregiver or professional recommends.

It's as if she has to figure out her own way of getting from Point A to Point B, in the most chaotic way, to prove that the recommended way doesn't work, or isn't possible.

Offering extra love and support only triggers Reactive Attachment Disorder behaviors more.

Love and trust go hand in hand, and that's too scary.

The child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder has to be the one to choose to heal and believe it's worth it to do so.

There's always a possibility that trauma returns, and a child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder may not want to risk becoming vulnerable in the future, as it feels unsafe to them.

What Does Healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder Look Like?

In our experience, healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder comes in seven distinct phases.

The 7 Stages of Healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder

Every child and teen is different which means there's no time limit or guesstimate on how long it takes to work through each phase.

Healing depends on so many different factors.

A child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder may have multiple diagnoses, some of which affect cognitive functioning and development.

The child or teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder may still be experiencing trauma.

Then there's the fact that a child or teen with RAD may not want to heal.

Every case is different.

Waiting for healing can be so incredibly frustrating for caregivers of children and teens with Reactive Attachment Disorder, especially when behaviors jeopardize the safety of family members.

Know that you are not alone in your frustration.

What Can Caregivers Do While Waiting for a Child or Teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder to Heal?

There are multiple ways caregivers can approach the waiting game.

1. Keep everyone in the family safe.

Must Have Safety Resources When Raising a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

Must Have Safety Resources When Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

The caregiver will be held responsible for whatever is going on in the home.

Protect yourself.

2. Seek outside support and services when necessary.

Don't hesitate to ask for help in all settings. Most likely you will be judged, but in the end, the documentation that comes with you seeking help can save your family.

Outside support and services can include:

Case Management
Therapies
Doctors and Specialists
Respite Services
Day Programs
Inpatient Psychiatry Stays
Residential Treatment

3. Find support from others who are experiencing what you're going through.

This journey is not one you can manage all by yourself. You will need support ensure you're not going insane.

Consider following me over at Every Star Is Different on Facebook as we share personal stories almost daily about our experiences while raising 2 adopted daughters with Reactive Attachment Disorder.