Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and lying go hand in hand. I have never met a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder who doesn't lie. 

Lying can come with dangerous and unsafe consequences for all involved, especially when a child lies to professionals and adults in positions of authority.

Thankfully as a child heals from RAD, lying can diminish as well.

There are many things caregivers can do to help a child with this behavior to help circumstances improve over time.

Reactive Attachment Disorder and Lying

Why Do Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder Lie?

There are many reasons children with RAD lie. 

Lying to others may have been a way to survive past trauma. It was necessary and became normal. 

Lying to one's self may have been a way to survive past trauma as well. If a child can convince themselves that things are okay, even when they're not, the brain and body can manage to endure more. 

Lying helps a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder get what they want, whether that is relationships, objects, experiences, or an escape from family, love and attachment.

Lying is a way to manipulate others and feel more in control. RAD kids crave control and are willing to do what it takes to maintain it.

Lying can provide a natural high that feels good. Once that high is felt, it may be sought after again and again.

Lying is also a great way of pushing people away.

A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder may lie because of one or many of these reasons.

Once lying starts, it's very hard to stop.

It's important to know and understand that lying is a fact of life with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

6 Ways to Navigate Reactive Attachment Disorder and Lying

Accepting that lying is going to occur with RAD is the first step. From there the best thing to do is make a plan to navigate the behavior. 

Over time we've found many ways to do this in our home.

1. Provide Necessary Supervision

One way to eliminate or minimize lying is to make sure that a RAD child is being supervised as often as is necessary. 

Supervision will look different depending on the age of the child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

Supervision eliminates situations where a child has opportunities to do things to lie about. 

A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder will need much more supervision than typical peers. Be sure to set up plans for supervision while at school and other required environments.

2. Don't Ask Questions

Lies usually come when confronted about a particular incident or behavior. 

"Did you...?"

"Why did you...?"

"When did you...?"

"Where is...?"

"How did...?"

"Who did you...?"

"What happened...?"

Questions can easily trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response. Emotions escalate.

A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder will rarely answer honestly.

If you don't ask the questions, you're taking away opportunities to lie.

It's safe to assume you already know the answer to the question you wanted to ask. 

There's a slim chance you may be wrong. If you are wrong, you can apologize later. 

If you're unsure, don't bring up the situation until you know the facts. When it is time to address a situation, you may find our way of addressing behaviors is beneficial. 

3. Limit Interactions

The more people a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder interacts with, the more opportunities there are to lie. 

Triangulation and parent splitting are RAD specialties. 

A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is a genius at finding inconsistencies and using them to her advantage, pitting people against each other.

When it comes to working with teachers, therapists, professionals, etc. show up and volunteer. Attend every meeting and appointment.

If a teacher, therapist, professional, etc. is not comfortable with the RAD child and caregiver attending every appointment together that's scheduled for the child, find someone else who is. 

When it comes to classroom behaviors, meet with your child's teachers to come up with a plan for clear and accurate communication.

The more all parties know, the fewer opportunities there are to lie, especially when there is supervision and questions are eliminated.

4. Document EVERYTHING

There will be times where you will be accused of doing something that your RAD child has lied about. In these situations, all you have is documentation on your side.

Documentation can take many forms. Caregivers can keep binders of every appointment, assessment and report.

Photographs and videos are great forms of behavioral and social documentation.

Food and hygiene logs can be helpful.

Receipts for items purchased and provided for the child can also be a great way to disprove accusations.

When raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, it's important to keep documentation of everything.

5. Show It's Safe to Tell the Truth

A child who has experienced significant trauma and learned to lie to others and/or to themselves to stay safe, does not trust that telling the truth will bring about positive consequences.

When raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, it is so incredibly important to show that telling the truth is worth it. 

This does not occur when a caregiver chooses to give severe consequences when a RAD child is caught lying.

It does occur when a caregiver celebrates honesty in a way that feels safe for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

6. Model Honesty and Consistency

A RAD child who struggles with lying will not stop if she sees those around her being dishonest and  inconsistent in even the smallest ways.

She can detect the slightest fib or lie better than most. When a caregiver is dishonest in even the smallest way, a child with Reactive Attachment considers the caregiver to be a liar.

It is extremely important to be honest about your thoughts and emotions with a RAD child once you are able to remain regulated and respectful while sharing.

Being consistent 100% of the time is hard. No one is perfect at it, but the more consistent you are, the  better the chances that the lying will lessen over a long period of time. It is most likely to happen when a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder feels safe and is healing.

Lying may continue to be an automatic response in a situation, but if the caregiver is willing to pause and allow the RAD child to try again without accusation or punishment, telling the truth will become easier over time.

Please keep in the mind, it's up to the child with Reactive Attachment Disorder to decide to change and stop lying. 

A caregiver cannot force change, but instead must follow the RAD child's lead. Until a child is ready, it's up to the caregiver to give consequences, showing honesty and consistency.

How to Give Consequences for Lying

As with all behaviors related to Reactive Attachment Disorder, natural and logical consequences are best. 

Do your best to come up with a natural or logical consequence related to the lie told to you and others.

One logical and natural consequence we've found works with our girls is sharing behaviors with others involved in the lie. We bring documentation and discuss the situation. 

Our child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is present for these discussions. If behaviors occur in the presence of others as we calmly and rationally discuss the situation, all are there to witness them.

Once all involved have discussed the situation, the RAD child has the opportunity to apologize and make amends, or refuse. The other party has the choice to forgive or not.

When documentation is not available or the lie does not effect those outside of the home, the logical or natural consequence depends on the behavior. 

It is best not to give a consequence in the heat of the moment. Pause to process through how the consequence effects you, the RAD child, and others in the home.

When all parties are regulated, share that you know about the behavior. Do not open the floor to discussion. Simply give the consequence. State the boundaries and consequences for future behaviors related to this topic, and move on.

Do not engage in an argument.

If you are wrong about the lie, you can apologize later. You'll be correct more than ninety percent of the time.

No punishment, incentive, or reward is going to motivate a RAD child to stop lying. Continued arguments will only lead to more lies and frustration.

Though it's extremely difficult, try to understand that reactive attachment disorder and lying has nothing to do with you, and all to do with the RAD child trying to survive in a world where they feel extremely unsafe.

Nothing about it is okay, but it's going to happen.

Over a long period of time healing can occur. Lying can lessen. Just keep focusing on what helps your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder feel safe. Safety comes first. The rest will then fall into place.

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like the following resources.

Montessori Canada Geography Activities for kids with free printables are the perfect way to expand North America studies or celebrate Canada Day. 

If you live in the United States, studying bordering countries like Mexico and Canada is a fabulous way to help children understand neighboring cultures.

For those who live in Canada, these activities are a perfect introduction to the geography of the country.

No matter what your reason behind studying Canada is, we have what you need and more with added free printables.

Montessori Canada Geography Activities for Kids with Free Printables

Montessori-inspired Canada Printable Pack

Many of the activities in this post include printables from my Montessori-inspired Canada Printable Pack. This pack includes resources in multiple subject areas. In this post, I am only focusing on geography activities.

Montessori Map of Canada

 

Sunshine absolutely loves puzzles. Montessori map puzzles are no different. She is very excited to see this map on her shelves, as she is always asking when she can do a Montessori puzzle.

I like using the Montessori Canada Puzzle Map because it doesn't have a lot of pieces to overwhelm Sunshine. 

Using the control map (not seen), Sunshine transfers puzzle pieces one at a time, placing them in the correct space, identifying the names of each Canada province as she goes.

Once all of the pieces are placed on the control map, Sunshine will place them back in the puzzle one at a time.

Montessori Map of Canada Coloring Activity

To reinforce names, colors, and shapes of provinces in Canada, Sunshine will color this map using the Montessori puzzle map as a control. 

She will use colored pencils so she can color in tiny spaces with more accuracy. A pencil sharpener is provided in case she needs it.

Sunshine loved using the Montessori puzzle pieces as a control while coloring her map. She would select a piece from the puzzle and find the one that matched on the map.

If a Montessori puzzle map of Canada is not available, you can color a copy of this map and use it as a control for the coloring activity.

You can also cut out provinces to use as a puzzle.

Canada Flags Nomenclature Cards

Once the names of the provinces of Canada were introduced using a map of Canada, Sunshine moved on to learn corresponding flags. Sunshine absolutely loves flag work. These cards were such a treat to her.

We used these cards as traditional nomenclature cards. Sunshine loves nomenclature card work.

When Sunshine feels comfortable with identifying map puzzle pieces and flags, we'll match up flags with provinces.

Source: The printable for this activity is part of the Montessori-inspired Canada Printable Pack.

Cities of Canada Map Activity

This activity is a fun challenge for those who like geography and maps. Sunshine picks up a city card and then find it on the map. A magnifying glass is provided if needed.

We've started with easier cities that are more pronounced on the map and will progress from there. Another way to help children would be to focus on one province, so children know where to look.

Source: The printable for this activity is part of the Montessori-inspired Canada Printable Pack.

FREE Canada Language Printable Pack

For kids that need more practice with Canada province names and flags, this printable pack is sure to be a hit! 

The Montessori-inspired Canada Language Printable Pack includes Canada province writing strips and first letter sound clip cards.

Source: The Canada Language Printable Pack is a Subscriber's Only Freebie. For your free copy, follow the directions below.

Directions on How to Obtain Subscriber Only Freebies

1. Click on the Subscriber's link at the bottom of this post.

2. Subscribe to our free newsletter.

3. Open the thank you message you receive in your e-mail, after subscribing. (Be sure to check your spam folder, as sometimes it ends up there.)

4. Click the confirmation link in the thank you message.

5. Once the confirmation is complete, you will receive another e-mail message with the Subscriber Only Freebies.

6. Click on link.

7. Find the printable pack you are looking for listed in alphabetical order, click on it, and voila!

We hope you enjoy your free printable.

Note: If you are already a newsletter subscriber, open your most recent newsletter. At the bottom you will find a link to the Subscriber Only Freebies page, along with the password in case you forgot it.

Click HERE to Subscribe to our FREE Newsletter

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Toilet training can be a challenge for many children, especially those with developmental, emotional, and trauma based disabilities. 

There are so many steps involved in toilet training in order to be successful. Visual Supports for kids can be extremely helpful.

While in residential treatment, Sunshine regressed significantly in her toileting skills. She went from being completely potty trained during the day and night, to wetting herself multiple times a day.

Part of her struggles have to do with anxieties about being in the bathroom. She rushes every part of the process. 

Other aspects of her struggles come from motor delays and coordination struggles. 

Then there's the Reactive Attachment Disorder at play. 

It's my hope that this visual will help her in ways that she needs, allowing her to work hard in other areas and be successful staying dry again.

FREE Toilet Training Visual Supports for Kids

The FREE Toilet Training Visual Supports for Kids includes 8 prompts for a successful experience using the bathroom.

Steps may need to be broken down even further. As you present each step, be sure to do so.

Below are the steps and pictures included in the visuals with extra ideas for sensory and behavioral supports.

I adjust the toilet seat and stool if needed.

No matter where you are, at home or on-the-go, there's always a chance that the toilet lid may be down or the toilet seat may be up. 

Before turning around and sitting down, it's important to make sure that the toilet seat is exactly where it should be. 

Falling into the toilet or peeing on the lid can be a very traumatic experience. 

You may want to mention making sure the toilet seat is clean and dry as well, depending on home and on-the-go experiences.

One aspect of this step that we've been working very hard on at home is gently adjusting the toilet seat.

Sometimes the toilet seat can be the first challenge to successful toilet training.

Is the seat too cold, hard, or the wrong size? Be sure to consider these sensory needs.

Consider a toilet seat warmer.

You may want to invest in a cushioned toilet seat.

A toilet seat insert is always helpful for little ones.

Another challenge we've had in our home is navigating the toilet at night. We've found that a toilet light is a HUGE help!

I pull down my clothes all the way.

One may not considering pulling down clothes all the way to be a challenge, but for Sunshine it is a HUGE issue. 

Due to sensory sensitivities and rushing, she rarely remembers to pull down her clothes all the way. This results in her peeing in her underwear and bottoms while on the toilet regularly.

If this is a struggle for your child consider that sensory sensitivities may be involved.

Is the toilet or the bathroom too cold? A water proof bathroom heater may help. Look in the section above for toilet seat options.

I lift up my clothes if necessary.

Wearing dresses and long tops can be extra challenging when going to the bathroom. It's important that children know how to lift them up appropriately so as not to have them fall into the toilet or pee on them while going to the bathroom.

This takes coordination. For kids who struggle with motor skills, coordination, and balance, consider railings or something to hold on to while attempting to sit and hold clothes up.

I go to the bathroom waiting until I am finished.

Some children struggle with waiting for all waste to empty out of their bodies, before finishing toileting routines. This can lead to a child needing to go to the bathroom several times in a row.

In some situations this has to do with a lack of patience. 

Other times waiting is hard due to anxiety. 

For those with past trauma, controlling when, where, and how often they use the bathroom feels like the ultimate power.

Medical issues may also be at play, especially those related to the bladder and constipation.

If you're looking for help with constipation issues, be sure to visit our post: How to Help Children with Constipation.

To help with anxiety, you may want to consider entertainment while using the toilet. A magazine rack with preferred books and magazine can help. 

Consider a bathroom speaker to play music while toileting. 

Some children may benefit from a bathroom timer to help them remember to stay seated on the potty for a certain length of time. If you have music playing in the bathroom, songs can be a timer as well.

I wipe my bottom front to back until clean.

Wiping correctly take a lot of balance, coordination and motor skills. It also includes a lot of sensory experiences.

To teach wiping skills, consider using toilet training books. Practice with dolls and stuffed animals.

When it comes to using toilet paper, you want to be sure to teach your child how much is appropriate to use and how to fold or bunch it, depending on your preference. 

The feel of toilet paper can be extremely challenging for some children. Consider different brands or alternatives that might feel more comforting. Wipes may be preferred. 

I put the toilet paper in the toilet.

One may not think that putting used toilet paper in the toilet is a challenge, but it can be for some people, especially children. 

Understanding how much toilet paper to use to wipe and how often one should flush so as not to clog the toilet is also an important skills.

If using wipes or other alternatives, you may not want them placed in the toilet, but instead a trash can. 

For girls who are going through puberty and toilet training, differentiating what can and can NOT go in the toilet is very important.

I flush the toilet.

Every toilet is different. Some toilets have handles. Others have buttons. Then there are those darn sensors. One might not think flushing a toilet can be complicated, but sometimes it is. 

I remember the first time I encountered a toilet with a pedal to flush. It definitely took me a second to figure it out. Lol.

Help children understand these differences when flushing.

Flushing a toilet can be extremely hard for kids with auditory sensory sensitivities. The sound of a toilet flushing can be very distressing.

Make a plan with your child that suits her needs to ensure that the toilet will be flushed.

If sound blocking headphones need to be available in the bathroom to help with this process, find a place they can be stored. Sound blocking headphones that play music may also be an option.

I put my clothes back on correctly.

The last step involved with going to the bathroom is pulling up and at times pulling down your clothes. Again, this is a skill that takes coordination, balance, and motor skills. 

Make sure your child can be completely independent with this step to ensure toilet training success. 

Some children struggle with buttons, snaps, and zippers. If they can't button, snap, and zip on their own, don't have them wear clothes that require those skills.

Toilet training requires so many skills in the area of balance, coordination, and motor skills. It involves so many different sensory experiences.

For children who have developmental, emotional, or trauma based disabilities, using the bathroom can be a huge challenge!

I hope this FREE Toilet Training Visual Support for Kids can help!

Source: the Toilet Training Visual Support for Kids is a Subscriber's Only Freebie. For your copy, follow the directions below.

Directions on How to Obtain Subscriber Only Freebies

1. Click on the Subscriber's link at the bottom of this post.

2. Subscribe to our free newsletter.

3. Open the thank you message you receive in your e-mail, after subscribing. (Be sure to check your spam folder, as sometimes it ends up there.)

4. Click the confirmation link in the thank you message.

5. Once the confirmation is complete, you will receive another e-mail message with the Subscriber Only Freebies.

6. Click on link.

7. Find the printable pack you are looking for listed in alphabetical order, click on it, and voila!

We hope you enjoy your free printable.

Note: If you are already a newsletter subscriber, open your most recent newsletter. At the bottom you will find a link to the Subscriber Only Freebies page, along with the password in case you forgot it.

Click HERE to Subscribe to our Free Newsletter

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like the resources below.

 Using great table manners can be extremely challenging for some children. 

FREE Table Manners Visual Supports for Kids combined with understanding of sensory needs and fine motor skill development can make all the difference.

Visual supports provide reminders and cues before, during, and after meal and snack times to ensure that everyone understands expectations and can be successful.

The Table Manners Visual Supports for kids includes true-to-life images of children being successful with table manners to encourage success.

This resource can be used at home and on the go, with multiple styles to for every occasion. 

FREE Table Manners Visual Supports for Kids

The FREE Table Manners Visual Supports for Kids includes eight behavior prompts for children to follow. Each prompt is matched up with an image for readers and non readers alike.

All prompts are written in present tense focusing on positive behaviors. Even the title of the chart promotes positivity.

There are boxes at the end of each prompt for children who enjoy marking their progress.

8 Table Manners Behavior Prompts and Sensory Supports

Eight table manners behavior prompts are included on the visual to encourage success in multiple areas. 

If your child does not needs prompts in all areas, that's okay. It's always fabulous to celebrate what already comes easy to children.

For children who need to learn all table manner skills, introduce one at a time using the larger cards provided. Once there is success with one table manner behavior, add another until all are introduced.

Behavioral prompts include the following:

1. I sit at the table, keeping my body safe.

Sitting in a chair at the table may be incredibly difficult for some children. 

When using this prompt, be sure that all sensory needs are met to ensure success.

For those who like to wiggle and crave tactile input, using a sensory chair cushion may help. 

If you have a child who likes to move their feet and kick, try a seat band.

There are some children who may not be ready to sit at the table safely. They may prefer to stand to meet sensory needs. In this case I highly recommend a tower kitchen stool for kids.

For those who have sensory needs related to food and can't handle being at the table with others, consider a Montessori weaning table and chair.

2. I use my utensils appropriately, when needed.

Using utensils can be challenging for children who are struggling with fine motor skills. It can also be challenging for kids who may enjoy the sensory experience of touching their food.

For kids with trauma, the act of using utensils may induce fear for multiple reason. Metal utensils may be unsafe for some kids due to severe behaviors.

If you find a child struggling to use utensils, find a set that fits their needs. Consider size, weight, color, and design.  All can be factors in success.

When it comes to unsafe behaviors with sharp or heavy objects, consider using plastic utensils or those that are very blunt, unable to harm others.

Using utensils takes practice. Allow sufficient time for success. 

Remember every child is different. Learning to use utensils may be easy for one child and extremely difficult for another.

3. I take small bites.

When introducing the concept of taking a small bite, it is extremely important to define what a small bite is and what it looks like on a fork and spoon.

In our home a small bite is one that allows you to keep your mouth closed when chewing. 

A small bite is one that fits on the fork or spoon, without pieces of food falling off or needing to be held down by fingers.

4. I chew with my mouth closed.

The rule of chewing with mouth closed covers multiple behaviors that might be seen at meal and snack time.

Perhaps a child won't stop talking while eating.

Bites may be too large to chew with the mouth closed.

Some children enjoy grossing out others at the table while eating.

Other times children enjoy the sounds and feel of chewing food with the mouth open.

Identify the reason behind the behavior before trying to work on it so the correct supports can be provided.

5. I eat my food at the right speed.

Some kids eat slowly. Others eat as fast as they can. Then there are some that refuse to eat or overeat, gorging themselves.

Whatever the case may be at your home, establishing an appropriate speed at which to eat food is important.

In our home, when working with a child who likes to eat to quickly, overstuffing and gorging, the rule is to chew one small bite and swallow, before taking another small bite.

When we had a child who refused to eat or eat very slowly, we would encourage bites every so often for a specific period of time, until the child had eaten as many bites as she was old.

6. I use a napkin properly.

Different households have different ideas of how to use a napkin properly. Some families feel it's proper to place a folded napkin on the lap. Others feel it's okay to tuck the napkin into the shirt, like a bib. Then there are those who feel the napkin belongs on the table next to the dinner plate.

Be sure to teach the child what is proper and what is not in the home, so she can meet the expectation successfully.

Using a napkin includes sensory components. Paper and fabric napkins feel differently. Some children may need a wet washcloth or a wipe that is cold or warmed to feel most comfortable staying clean.

Identify your child's sensory needs at the table and provide the proper supports.

7. I keep the table, floor, and my clothes clean.

Depending on the age and behaviors of the child, this may be the hardest expectation of all. It requires awareness and focus at all times during meal and snack time. 

Accidents happen. Children need to understand what do do when something does happen at the table causing a mess.

Be sure to discuss this prompt and what it means in your family. Role play and practice scenarios in which accidents may happen so the child knows what to do.

8. I am kind and respectful of others.

Mealtime can be a battle ground for some families due to sensory needs and trauma. Discuss what being kind and respectful looks like in the home for all at the table, including caregivers.

Once everyone understands definitions, it may be helpful to role play scenarios in advance to help children know how to respond kindly and respectfully ahead of time.

Sunshine has been using her table manners visual for a few months now. We have worked on fine motor skills and continue to do so. 

At every meal, we read over the expectations before eating. Siblings and parents remind her if she's not following one of the prompts. 

We have found that a laminated copy of the support works best. When we're on the go, we use the cards in the printable on a ring, as they fit in my purse or in her bag quite nicely, taking up less space on the table.

In Sunshine's situation, poor table manners is mostly related to her Reactive Attachment Disorder, though autism and fine motor skills do play a small role in scenarios that occur at home.

This table manners visuals helps so much with the autism aspect of struggles and shows clear boundaries at the table where RAD is involved.

Source: The Table Manners Visual Supports for Kids is a Subscriber's Only Freebie. For your free copy, follow the directions below.

Directions on How to Obtain Subscriber Only Freebies

1. Click on the Subscriber's link at the bottom of this post.

2. Subscribe to our free newsletter.

3. Open the thank you message you receive in your e-mail, after subscribing. (Be sure to check your spam folder, as sometimes it ends up there.)

4. Click the confirmation link in the thank you message.

5. Once the confirmation is complete, you will receive another e-mail message with the Subscriber Only Freebies.

6. Click on link.

7. Find the printable pack you are looking for listed in alphabetical order, click on it, and voila!

We hope you enjoy your free printable.

Note: If you are already a newsletter subscriber, open your most recent newsletter. At the bottom you will find a link to the Subscriber Only Freebies page, along with the password in case you forgot it.

Click HERE to Subscribe to our FREE Newsletter

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy the resources below.