When asked how I cope with all that goes on in life, the answer is Internal Family Systems or IFS.

Today, I want to share with you my Internal Family Systems parts as a mother of a husband and  children with developmental, emotional, and trauma based disabilities, and as someone who experienced trauma as a child.

This is probably the most intimate post I've ever written about myself, but I feel it's that important.

It's my hope that by doing so, I can help others feel more comfortable with the idea that we are all made up of parts, not just those with multiple personalities, etc.

As we understand our parts, how they feel and work, we can begin to care for them and unburden them, healing from trauma in our lives.

Healing is possible.

Internal Family Systems therapy is non-pathologizing, which means there are no labels or diagnoses.

At the same time Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapists must bill insurance companies, which do require labels and diagnoses.

Internal Family Systems therapy has helped me heal from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or CPTSD.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or CPTSD is not in the DSM-V. 

My therapist calls my PTSD complex because there are multiple layers from various times of my life.

Internal Family Systems: A Mother's Parts

Below are names and descriptions of each of my parts. On average an adult has between ten and twenty-two parts.

Each of my parts have names that I have selected. 

Naming parts helps communication between parts and the Self.

Each part also has an age, which is the age I was when the part developed. For the sake of this post I have not shared ages.

As I went through three and a half years of Internal Family Systems therapy, I was able to identify all of my parts and unburden them.

Once unburdened I was able to work with each part to understand what they wanted their new jobs to be.

As my parts have taken on their new jobs, I have been able to heal.

Please be aware that healing doesn't mean that triggers disappear.

Healing means that I am able to work through triggers in the Self, who leads the parts in healthy ways.

When referring to parts, one refers to each part as "it" until the part establishes otherwise.

Suffocated Soul

Before Unburdening: They* feel overwhelmed and panicked when there are too many demands from too many different people, or when the needs of one or more people is too much or too prolonged without breaks. 

This part often works with the Dementor.

The Suffocated Soul prevents me from feeling Grief.

After Unburdening: They want to be in charge of the daily schedule and be able to choose what fits where and when to say no. Instead of overwhelm and anxiety, they want to feel a sense of accomplishment.

*The Suffocated Soul often feels like a crowd of voices, which is why I use the pronoun "they."

The Destroyer

Before Unburdening: He believes that no matter how much effort and work is put into a goal or task, the shoe will fall, and the effort and progress will be ruined or taken away. 

This part often works with the Punisher.

The Destroyer prevents me from feeling Grief.

After Unburdening: He wants to take care of the "little girl" and tell her everything is going to be okay. You've got this!

The Punisher

Before Unburdening: She believes that failure to achieve should be punished. Punishment comes in the form of not taking care of the physical body because it’s not worth taking care of. 

This part often works with the Destroyer.

The Punisher prevents me from feeling Grief.

After Unburdening: She wants to take care of me, and help me feel the joy of accomplishment and success. The Punisher wants to cheer me on in that process.

The Monster

Before Unburdening: She prefers to blame me and take responsibility for bad things that have happened, instead of putting the responsibility on others for their actions. 

Taking responsibility motivates me to become better. Removing responsibility from others allows them to still be loved and respected by me.

The Monster works with Unlovable and Not Good Enough. It prevents me from feeling Grief and Acceptance.

After Unburdening: The Monster wants me to forgive myself for being human. No one is perfect.

Bad things happened to me. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. The more I learn and grow, the healthier I become when making choices and reacting to what goes on around me.

Judy Hopps

Before Unburdening: She is always willing to give 200% to get the job done and to do it the best it’s ever been done. There’s no task too difficult. 

This part loves to work with the Problem Solver and The Right Thing.

She prevents me from feeling Fear of the Unknown and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: Judy Hopps wants to be in charge of managing money, home and the immediate family. She doesn't want to give 200% to anything else anymore. 

While Sunshine is receiving treatment out of the home, Judy Hopps understands that she is thought of as extended family, not immediate family. Sunshine needs work on her treatment and healing than she can.

The Problem Solver

Before Unburdening: She has a talent for working through difficult situations, troubleshooting issues, planning, preparing for any scenario. Every scenario can be worked through. 

This part works with Judy Hopps and The Right Thing.

The Problem Solver prevents me from feeling Fear of the Unknown and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: The Problem Solver just wants to rest. If I need The Problem Solver, she will be there, but otherwise she just wants to sleep. She trusts that Judy Hopps is perfectly capable of doing things without her. 

Wolverine

Before Unburdening: He is protective of those he loves, willing to do whatever it takes to obtain necessary help, even if it means fighting with others and being inflexible. 

This part often works with Not Good Enough and the Monster leaving me feeling awful when put in situations where I need to advocate for family member's needs.

It can also work with Save the World, Special Love, The Problem Solver, and Judy Hopps.

Wolverine prevents me from feeling Fear of the Unknown, Grief, Acceptance, and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: Wolverine me to understand that I am not a bad person for advocating for my family member's needs. It is okay to advocate while being kind and respectful, understanding that there is only so much that can be done in certain situations.

I don't have to take on the world, to ensure my children and others receive the supports they need. Focusing on the needs of just my family is enough.

Unlovable

Before Unburdening: She believes that no one can love or care for her because of the way she looks, feels, and acts. No matter how hard she tries or how much she changes, it doesn’t change the fact that she does not deserve to be loved because of who she is.

This part works with Not Good Enough, The Destroyer, The Punisher and sometimes Loneliness and Miss Independent. 

Unlovable prevents me from feeling Grief or Fear of the Unknown.

After Unburdening: She wants to wake up and go to bed feeling good about myself. Unlovable wants to help me feel healthy and that I've taken care of my body and mind. I am loveable and can feel that as I engage in healthy relationships with others.

Special Love

Before Unburdening: She believes that everyone, no matter what they’ve done, how they behave, or what they look like, deserve to be loved. Special Love has a deep love and dedication to those who have been cast out by others, and always sees the diamond in the rough. 

When others with developmental, emotional, and trauma-based disabilities don't do their part, after she has extended an abundance of love, Special love can become upset.

This part works with Save the World and Wolverine.

Special Love prevents me from feeling Grief and Acceptance.

After Unburdening: Special love wants to show Christlike love AND keep healthy boundaries with others. Sometimes it is necessary to love from a distance.

Not Good Enough

Before Unburdening: No matter how hard she tries, or how much she does, it is never enough, and so she tries and does even more. Not Good Enough blames herself for everything that goes wrong, not taking into account other people’s choices and actions.

This part can be paralyzing at times, especially when working with the Monster or Wolverine. Sometimes these parts can be polarized though, depending on the situation. 

Once Not Good Enough is present, the Destroyer and Punisher often join in with negative thoughts.

Not Good Enough prevents me from feeling Grief and Acceptance.

After Unburdening: It's enough to just be good. I am a good person.

Save the World

Before Unburdening: She is very passionate about standing up for others who don’t have a voice. She is dedicated to making the world a better place in as many ways she can. 

When this part leads the way, the Monster, Wolverine, and Not Good Enough sometimes step aside.

Save the World often works with Special Love.

This part prevents me from feeling Grief, Acceptance, and Fear of the Unknown.

After Unburdening: I don't need to be a full time activist with a loud voice to help change the world, especially when doing so is stressful, takes up so much time, causes burn out, and negative effects on my health.

It's okay to focus on changes I make in my personal life on a daily basis that will benefit the world and my family. 

Small changes add up and do make a difference.

Loneliness

Before Unburdening: She feels left behind, cast out, or on her own, unaccepted for who she is, undeserving of support and love from others. 

Loneliness works with Unlovable and Miss Independent, and can also work with Not Good Enough.

This part prevents me from feeling Fear of the Unknown, Grief, and Acceptance.

After Unburdening: Loneliness understands that when I find acceptance, support and love from others, I know I have found my tribe. As she lets the Self lead, she can trust that these relationships are healthy.

Loneliness understands that negative feelings about myself in relationships signals that the relationship is unhealthy. I can work on improving the relationship through communication or I can choose to leave.

Miss Independent

Before Unburdening: She feels she doesn’t need others and is completely fine on her own. She also longs for a time when others are not dependent on her and she is free to do as she wishes.

This part works with Loneliness and Unlovable.

Miss Independent prevents Helplessness, Grief, Fear of the Unknown, and Acceptance.  

After Unburdening: She wants to choose to have others in her life that she can form healthy relationships with. It is okay not to engage in unhealthy relationships.

There is a difference between a person having a healthy dependence and unhealthy dependence on me. When the Suffocated Soul and the Dementor parts are present, Miss Independent can know and understand that the relationship is unhealthy. In those situations it's okay to ask for help and/or separate from the situation.

Raising children has brought much joy. It's possible to be a mother and be independent, participating in activities and a lifestyle that is desired.

The Right Thing

Before Unburdening: He believes that there is a right answer in every scenario so long as he studies all the moving parts long enough. By studying facts instead of the emotional reactions of others, the correct answer will be there. There are no regrets with this method. 

This part works with Not Good Enough. He can also work with The Wall, People Pleaser, and Safety.

The Right Thing prevents me from feeling Helplessness and Fear of the Unknown.

After Unburdening: It's okay to do what I want to do. I have a good moral compass and am not going to bad choices.

The Wall

Before Unburdening: They (bricks) form a protective wall around me during situations where there may be conflict to ensure my safety, calm, and continued functioning. 

The Wall helps me block out anything that's coming at me, so that I can remain emotionally regulated and not go into a fight response.

This part works with The Right Thing, People Pleaser, and Safety.

They prevent me from feeling Fear of the Unknown, Acceptance, and Helplessness.

After Unburdening: The Wall recognizes its ability and talent to lead in co-regulation when someone else isn't okay. At the same time, The Wall does not want to need to lead in co-regulation too often. 

If The Wall is triggered by a specific individual on a regular basis, then this means the individual may need help with self-regulation to become a healthier person. I do not need to be the one to help. 

People Pleaser

Before Unburdening: When feeling misunderstood and judged, without a way out of the scenario, she will succumb to other people’s thoughts and ideas, instead of standing her ground, accepting responsibility, even when it isn’t hers.

Safety

Before Unburdening: This part informs others if situations are safe. If a situation is not safe, the part will help create a safe space for functioning.

The Dementor

Before Unburdening: He sucks the joy out of life, leaving feelings of emptiness, despair, and feeling trapped with no way out.

The Minimizer

Before Unburdening: When feeling overwhelmed, she is very quick to scan the situation and minimize as many aspects of it as possible to make it doable. The main idea is to get rid of anything unnecessary.

The Islander

Before Unburdening: She prefers to be alone on an island by herself without the worries and pressures of life. This part is perfectly content being isolated as relationships with people are too overwhelming and can be so much work.

The Internal Family Systems therapy model has completely changed my life for the better. 

It has helped me overcome trauma from my past, and also cope with current trauma in my life, as a mother of two adopted children with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

The process of unburdening parts has been fascinating and empowering. It feels so incredible not to be part led, but instead Self-led as often as possible, despite what's happening in life.

Internal Family Systems has helped me learn to communicate with family members more effectively, remaining calm in the most difficult of circumstances.

I'm able to pause and reflect on the Internal Family System of a family member who may be struggling at any given time, and provide the love and support that's needed, without taking things so personally.

It makes such a difference knowing that it's not the whole person who feels a certain way, but only parts of that person.

Internal Family Systems has helped me set healthy boundaries in relationships and find my Self to lead my parts in the healthiest of ways.

I am able to understand my own triggers and the whys behind them, which helps so much in relationships with family members, friends, and others.

I highly recommend Internal Family systems therapy!

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