“We need to talk about Sunshine’s eating habits. She’s refusing multiple meals a day.”
The clinical director of Sunshine’s RTC continued explaining
everything that had been tried.
This is the third RTC that Sunshine has been placed in due
to behaviors related to Reactive Attachment Disorder, and other emotional and
developmental disabilities.
They had given Sunshine food choices at this RTC.
They had offered to have her help prep her meals.
They made her favorite foods.
Still the problem was worsening.
A list was read out loud of all the food that Sunshine had
refused over the past two weeks. It included hamburgers, French fries, and
potato chips, all of which are her favorites.
No information that the clinical director shared was new.
This is what life has always been like with Sunshine due to
Reactive Attachment Disorder and Food Struggles.
Reactive Attachment Disorder and Food Struggles
The History
Sunshine has a LONG history with food, and it’s not a good
one.
Throughout the years we’ve dealt with food refusal, food
gorging, vomiting, gagging, stealing food, and so much more.
This is all completely normal with a child who has Reactive
Attachment Disorder.
This has been on top of reflux, food allergies, and other special
dietary needs.
Sunshine has had a barium study. She’s been to a swallowing
specialist. An OT has worked with her.
We have tried so many different methods to empower Sunshine at mealtime.
- Use a Montessori weaning table
- Teach practical life skills related to food preparation
- Let Sunshine prepare her own food to the ability that she’s able
- Let Sunshine meal plan
- Take Sunshine grocery shopping to ensure we have foods that she loves
- Provide choices to choose from
- Improve sensory experiences related to food
Still, Sunshine refused to eat on a regular basis.
Mealtime became a battle ground.
Often the issues started even before a meal was prepared,
especially at dinner time. If Sunshine didn’t like what we were having all
sorts of behaviors would start.
The screaming would come first, then would come the physical
aggression.
When my husband wasn’t home, I’d always need to make sure the refrigerator was stocked full of grab and go foods for my other children to prepare on their own. Sunshine’s outbursts and aggressions could last hours, to the point that I could not prepare a meal.
The Doctor's Orders
I spoke with Sunshine’s developmental pediatrician about these struggles early on.
As a mother, I felt like the most horrible person on earth.
Nothing I tried would help with the mealtime drama, which was affecting Sunshine’s
health.
The developmental pediatrician was kind yet blunt.
If she was refusing to eat, then I needed to do what was
necessary to make sure she ate.
If that included a stand off until she conceded, then that’s
what needed to happen.
If she would not feed herself, then I was to feed her.
Refusing to eat was not an option.
So that’s what we did.
The Nightmare
We continued to do all the things mentioned above AND…
At each meal, I set the rule that Sunshine had to eat
however many bites of food she was in years of age. When Sunshine was five
years old, she needed to take five bites.
If she decided to refuse and throw a fit, I’d wait until the
fit was over, and we’d start again.
If Sunshine decided to spit her food out, the count started
over.
If Sunshine became aggressive, I’d wait it out and we’d go
at it again.
It was a nightmare.
I felt like a monster.
This was not the mother I wanted to be.
But, year after year, this proved to be the only way to
ensure that Sunshine would eat.
You see, Sunshine has absolutely no concept of when she’s
full or hungry. This dates back to trauma she experienced during the first six
months of her life (before she came to us).
Food trauma is real.
Validation
As I shared with the clinical director what had worked at
home all those years, frightened out of my mind to be judged as being that
parent, the clinical director surprised me.
“Okay. We’ll do it.”
I was speechless.
“Are you sure? It’s going to result in so many more
aggressions.”
She was sure.
Sunshine’s refusal to eat has become that dangerous.
Part of me was frustrated.
After six months of working with professionals, my advice is
the best idea they have.
Yet, if my advice is the best option they have, that means
that no matter how horrible it felt forcing Sunshine to eat all of those years,
it was the right thing to do.
If Sunshine is refusing to eat even more there than she was
at home, that meant that the whole mess wasn’t my fault.
I’m not really great at accepting that things aren’t my
fault.
I do not have confidence in my parenting abilities after how horrible experiences have felt.
So for good measure I reminded the clinical director of a few other things.- Sunshine’s GABA supplement should not be taken with food, or else it causes her tummy to be upset.
- A side effect of one of Sunshine’s meds is constipation. If she’s constipated, she’s not going to eat much.
- Sunshine had COVID-19 a month ago and it may have changed her taste buds.
But ultimately, all of us agreed that it seems all of this comes down to control.
Reactive Attachment Disorder goes far beyond the challenges of parenting a picky eater or one with sensory struggles.
Why I Share
Documentation is so important in these cases.
Keep a food journal.
Write down behaviors.
Try everything and anything that professionals suggest.
Talk to your child’s pediatrician and other specialists.
You need a team.
You need support.
Battles as severe as Sunshine’s regarding food are not normal. Seek help.
You are not a bad caregiver for doing so.
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