It's Personal: Defeat

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I LOVE my children.  They are my life.  Each one of them is absolutely amazing to me.  I can't imagine life without them.  I LOVE my husband.  He is such a brilliant man.  Not a day goes by that I don't stand in awe at the person he is.  My husband is my biggest support in all that I do, encouraging me and cheering me on every step of the way.  I LOVE my house.  We have worked 8 long years to turn an old house from the 1800s into a home for our family.  It's not perfect by any means, and still needs A LOT of major work done, but it works for us, and that's what matters.  I LOVE being a blogger.  It provides me with an opportunity to serve others in ways I could never do otherwise.  Blogging has blessed me with amazing opportunities to meet people from all over the world!  I've made new friends who are absolutely wonderful.  I am so thankful for the many gifts I have been given by a Heavenly Father who loves me.

One of the events during Princess' adoption festivities.  The kiddos did NOT want to have a family portrait taken, so they took off running.  You can see all three in the background.  (A friend was chasing after them, you just can't see.)

Yet, with all that I LOVE, and all I've been blessed with, there are still many mornings I wake up before everyone else, and plead in prayer to have the energy, love, and patience I need to get through another day.  I just can't seem to shake that feeling of defeat.  Sometimes the defeat comes from a rough day with the kiddos.  Other days it comes from feeling down about myself.  I've gained a lot of weight in the last few years, bringing me back to an all time high.  Surgery last year along with the stress of finances and kiddos have done a number on me.  When I'm stressed, I eat and don't sleep.  Finding time to exercise by myself is incredibly difficult.  And then there's Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).  It has been a very difficult transition for me.  I'm not the type of mother I ever wanted to be.  This is not to say I'm a bad mother, because I know I'm not.  It's just that being the type of mother a RAD child needs is very hard for me.  There are many nights I cry in my husband's arms, as I finish another hard day with the girls.  Autism seems so easy compared to RAD.

My New Year's Resolution this year has been to learn how to take care of myself.  This has not been a simple process.  So far, just this year, seven diagnoses have been given to two members of my small family of six.  Each diagnosis has come with more work and responsibilities for me.  I continue to struggle with allergies and asthma, making rigorous exercise dangerous.   I have felt defeated in my resolution endeavors many times.

I was talking to my husband last night while laying in bed, sharing my newest feelings of defeat, after an extremely hard day with Sunshine, that came in the same week, I had already had extremely hard days with Dinomite, Bulldozer, and Princess.  I haven't exercised in almost a week.  We've had lots of junk food in the house due Memorial Day celebrations.  My house is not only messy, but dirty also, because of the holiday... I could go on and on.  I'm so thankful for a husband who will listen to me.

You see, I've been working very hard to alter our routines and daily schedule to accommodate Sunshine joining learning time activities with her autism, RAD, and ADHD behaviors. Bulldozer's horrible summer allergies are leaving him covered with rashes.  He's horribly sick, and eyes so dark, he looks as if he's been punched.  We are also still adjusting to life without a vehicle.  The struts and springs on the front end of our van have been broken for three weeks now.  We are waiting for income to pay for the repairs in June of July.

It's interesting, with all of these feelings of defeat (which are no where close to depression, just those typical of every mother on the planet), I find myself being guided to feelings of peace, blessings, and a knowledge of what I need to do to.  Thankfully, in times of defeat, it's very natural for me to cling to the spiritual beliefs and practices I have.  They bring great enlightenment.

The only reason I haven't exercised this week, is because a friend took me to the store to get groceries.  Prior to that I was walking around town running errands every day. The exercise was fabulous and cleared my head in ways I desperately needed.  Having no vehicle forces me to find time to exercise, because it's the only way to do things now.  Now that the week's groceries are gone, I will be walking daily again.  Having no car is actually a blessing right now.

The junk food from the holiday will be cleared out of our house today.  Snacks will go back to being fruit and/or veggies.  With the start of a new month, I'll be creating a new summer meal plan that is healthy for everyone, accommodating Bulldozer's allergies.

I tried out the new schedule that I thought might work for summer, on the kiddos yesterday.  It will NOT work.  At least I've eliminated one option, and can move on to another in hopes that by next week we'll be set.

Sunshine's RAD behaviors seem to be trumping all other behaviors during learning time, but I can do this!  I've done it before.  Princess has prepared me quite well.  Yesterday was so weird, in that I was experiencing Princess at 2 1/2 all over again.  I couldn't help but acknowledge just how far she's come in two short years.  It gave me hope that Sunshine will too.

Just because several different aspects of life seemed overwhelming this week, causing other things to slide, doesn't mean I can't try again next week, or even today.  I know how to overcome feelings of defeat. I can overcome them.  This doesn't mean that they won't come back again, but I find this is something I'm always going to have to deal with, because I'm a mother, (and I'm hormonal, just like every other woman on the planet).  What better lesson to teach my children, than to overcome those horrible feelings, pick up the pieces, and try again.

If you've had one of those weeks, or days of feeling defeated, you're not alone.  Your reasons may be different, but the feelings are the same.  We need to stick together, cheer each other on, and fill each other's hearts and heads with love, and a knowledge of that power that we hold, as women and mothers, to continue to fight to be the best we can be!